FBI MEMOS
Memos from the ad agency

I just received an email from a company that specializes is on-hold phone stuff. The email was nicely laid out, with several fetching stock photos of phone-y stuff. Behold a portion of the message:

This is {REDACTED}, VP of Sales & Marketing, for {REDACTED AGAIN}. We specialize in producing professional on hold messaging programs for your in bound calls.

(Isn’t “redacted” a great word?)

Features:

* Strategically Crafted Scripts through Client Consultation
* Extensive Music Library
* Professional Voice Talent
* Digital Players with Superior Sound Quality

Results:

* Synergize your Advertising Campaign
* Empower your Taglines & Messages
* Capitvate your Callers
* Increase Sales!

Never mind that she sent it to an ad agency. I understand that cold calling, even through email, is a numbers game. But let’s break it down, shall we:

Features:
* Strategically Crafted Scripts through Client Consultation
We will convince you that we have interviewed hundreds of folks about voice mail hell. Then, we will charge you to write something along the following lines: “Thank you for calling Frank/Best International. Your call is very important to us . . .”
* Extensive Music Library
We will pick some music out for you.
* Professional Voice Talent
We will charge you to have my neice record your messages. She went to drama school once.
* Digital Players with Superior Sound Quality
We will sell you our “proprietary” box which will sound good during the demo in you office, but will sound just like everything else does over the phone.

Results:

* Synergize your Advertising Campaign
I’m not even going to pretend to know what that means
* Empower your Taglines & Messages
But wait, people are frantically pressing numbers to talk to a real person. How much more power can you give to my taglines?
* Capitvate your Callers
My callers already feel captive, because they have gone to the trouble to call, and now they are stuck in phone hell. Oh, wait . . . you said “capitvate.” I’m sure you meant “captivate” didn’t you? No time for spell check?
* Increase Sales!
OH! Great! Do you have numbers to back that up?!?

I thought finding new business for advertising services was a tough job. I’m glad I’m not selling that.

(This is the blog for Frank/Best International. We have an automatic voice messaging system. But we have a woman with a saucy English accent doing it, so it is more tolerable.)

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 29th, 2007 at 10:40 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.